“Borderline”
“Have you heard of something called ‘Borderline Personality Disorder?’”
I laughed. Not a real laugh. A reflex: a go to when I don’t know what to say. Buys me time to gather my thoughts and puts the other person at ease in the process (or so I like to think). The problem this time is that even with my weak attempt at buffering between the action and reaction, I still didn’t know what to say when the laughter stopped. I started rambling and making pointless, deflective jokes. I knew what was coming next so deployed all the delay tactics I could muster. Stop talking, please. I don’t want to know.
“You exhibit all of the signs of someone with Impulsive Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s not exactly treatable, but there are options to live a better life than the one you have been living.”
I felt myself flush: anger. We had just spent 90 minutes talking about how I clearly have severe ADHD as seen in my brain scans and discussed a PLETHORA of options for treatment. So why did he drop this untreatable personality disorder on me in the last 10 minutes of this call?! Why not lead with this shit? Everyone has ADHD, who cares? How was this substantial news an afterthought?
I wasn’t fully able to listen to anything he was saying but caught snippets as my thoughts were racing: “….Borderlines typically don’t do well in talk therapy…. highly manipulative & charming…. impulsive…. all or nothing…. You’re lucky you have your husband…. suicidality, drug abuse… DBT Therapy…. I have to end this call 15 minutes early since it’s late on a Friday, actually so I must hop…”
….Skrrtttttttt.
Wait… WHAT? I am having a fucking internal crisis due to this newfound untreatable personality disorder I was just told about and this man “must hop?”
Cue meltdown. Immediate tears. I promptly turned my camera off to avoid the humiliation. “Okay, yeah, no problem Doctor, thanks so much for your time, really appreciate this, have a great weekend yayaya.” K bye.
The rest of the weekend was filled with the expected manic motion of Googling everything I could on Borderline Personality Disorder. Apparently that’s what Pete Davidson has. And possibly Marilyn Monroe. And some other known people that are notoriously disturbed. Cool. I thought my ADHD diagnosis was a shock when they gave it to me a few weeks ago. Borderline Personality Disorder was a very unwelcome rotten cherry on top of this mental illness sundae I hadn’t asked for.
I always knew something was up, but now that I had real labels for it , it all felt more tangible, more disordered. Not for nothing: the labels kind of made it worse (at first). Nothing had changed in me, but somehow just the new naming of these already known elements of my personality caused a shock. It drove me to re-evaluate EVERYTHING in my life: replaying moments, relationships, comments and feelings from every chapter through this new lens of a defined personality disorder. The bad qualities of my person, explained. The good, just symptoms of these diseases.
I read every research paper, blog post, Reddit thread, watched every video and testimonial I could find. Disturbingly (for me at least), so much of the content was surrounding support and coping mechanisms for people who had been in relationships with Borderlines and had been totally traumatized by the charm and manipulation. Therapists discussing how the worst patients they had ever dealt with were those with Borderline Personalities: untreatable, difficult, entitled, think they are smarter and “manipulative.” Manipulative. That WORD. It was everywhere when talking about Borderlines.
Am I manipulative? Is it possible to be manipulative and not realize it? All I do is worry about other people and how they are feeling… is THAT manipulative? Unsurprisingly, my compulsive internet searching resulted in me feeling like a psychopathic monster that had the power to emotionally destroy all those around me if they got too close. It was a rough weekend. No cure? Cue: despair & suicidal ideation. Not totally uncommon for me, I hate to admit, but this time felt different.
I convinced myself that it would be a service to others, the “right” thing to do to avoid leaving the inevitable wake of chaos and pain that the internet said I would if others got too close. Harm reduction for the masses.
Cue Google Search:
“Suicide + Borderline Personality”
“ADHD + Borderline Personality + Suicide”
“Suicide + Women + Undiagnosed ADHD”
“Suicide + Adults with ADHD”
10% of people with Borderline Personality Disorder will die by suicide. Combine that with the fact that adults with ADHD are 5x as likely as the standard person to have suicidal ideation and 1 in 4 women with ADHD have actually ATTEMPTED suicide. As I dove deeper into these numbers and the data, instead of feeling more despair, something odd happened. I started to feel…. relieved. The more I read about how common suicidal ideation was in people with these brain types, the more I came to realize: I am not alone.
ADHD and Borderline Personality are SUPERPOWERS when managed and I have both benefited greatly and struggled deeply. Our brains function a bit differently than standard, but what even is “standard” anymore? The overstimulation of this modern world is causing us all to short circuit a bit and everyone has some level of anxiety.
ADHD is a challenge staying attentive to things that aren’t naturally interesting or engaging, challenges with emotional regulation, and a hypersensitivity driven by a keen attunement to the unspoken in our fellow humans. We CAN focus, it’s just hard to focus on shit we don’t have interest in. So we switch careers and projects and follow our interests; impulsive to the untrained eye, but perhaps exactly what we need to stay engaged in our own lives. Not necessarily a bad thing. A direct driver of why my career has been so varied: I skip out quickly when boredom starts to creep in. A bit chaotic, maybe, but it’s served me very well and I wouldn’t change a thing.
Borderline Personality at its core, is a shaky sense of self and a totally overwhelming fear of abandonment. We are chameleons because we really aren’t that attached to who we are (because we don’t really know) and will change ourselves to avoid being left behind. This makes Borderlines incredibly good at connecting with people and adapting to a variety of circumstances. People are naturally drawn to Borderlines - a magnetism that comes with the designation, which may be what leads people towards words like “manipulation.” People bond quickly with Borderlines because they recognize something in them that they connect with: Themselves. Mirroring is one of the most effective unspoken ways people connect & show empathy for other humans. Borderlines mirror as a reflex. It’s a survival skill for me to some extent. This ability can be VERY effective in manipulation but just because it can be, doesn’t mean that is always how it is deployed.
There is huge struggle that comes with having ADHD and Borderline Personalities. Addiction, suicide, low self esteem, over-sensitivity, over-reaction, constant internal distress… all part of the picture. We are always going to be a little (or alot) insecure and unsure of what’s real about ourselves and what of ourselves is constructed for others. But just the fact that I now know WHY things have been such a struggle for me and knowing that they always will be kind of hard…. I don’t know, it makes it easier. Before I just thought I was weak.
But the labels are off. And the way we talk about mental health issues always seems to be through the lens of negativity. It doesn’t always have to be.
I am grateful now that I have a deeper understanding of who I am and how to handle my own brain. The definition of Borderline Personality Disorder and ADHD that I found on the internet doesn’t define me. I’m not manipulative. I listen better than most and am more present in the moment which allows me to pick up on cues from other humans that the more distracted of our species tend to miss. I can connect deeply with most people, very quickly. It’s been a fucking gift.
We all must take these diagnoses & labels with a grain of salt, use them only as a guidepost as we continue to better know ourselves. We certainly cannot let them define us. Perhaps when talking about ANY neurodivergent brain, we can all strive to not only highlight the challenges, but the amazing gifts that so often come with them as well. It does not have to be binary. It does not have to be so heavy. These diagnoses will land more softly if we are able to create better balance in our language and showcase some of the beautiful gifts they come with. I am sure it will make a difference.
